I am a superhero

Earlier this morning, I was reading Wikipedia’s article on marathon running, and this sentence caught my eye:

“Completing a marathon is often considered to be a superhuman effort.”

I had no idea that I was a superhuman! This is fantastic news, because I’ve been hoping for some time that I would gain some super powers. It’s amazing to think that I’ve had my super powers for years and didn’t realize it.

Just for the record, here are my known super powers:

1. Ability to spend lengthy amounts of time outside during extremely cold weather

2. Ability to ignore injuries, thereby allowing injuries to become much worse than they otherwise would have been

3. Ability to drink water from a paper cup while running

4. Ability to use the word “fartlek” in a sentence without laughing

5. Ability to eat PowerBars and PowerGel without throwing up

6. Ability to eat those things while running

7. Ability to run alone for many miles at a time and only talk to myself a little bit

8. Ability to very quickly convert miles to kilometers, and vice versa

9. Ability to see the logic in driving 200 miles to run for 3 miles

10. Ability to make it home quickly on foot when keys are locked in the car

Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger

It's Sunday, which means that it has been three days since the last episode of The Colbert Report. Don't worry! Here are the opinions of the day:

A wag of the finger to donuts - These sweet treats attract terrorists, who can't resist glaze and frosting.

A tip of the hat to walking - Since immigration agents started walking around, this seemingly innocent activity is creating great fear among illegal immigrants in southern California. And, as a bonus, the agents are losing weight.

A wag of the finger to walking - Since illegal immigrants began to fear this seemingly innocent activity, fewer of them are leaving their homes to go shopping. Illegal immigrants, do your American duty and buy as many things as possible!

A tip of the hat to development - America is opening its national parks to subdivisions, chain stores, and much more. With nature out of the way, we won't have to deal with all those trees and animals, and we won't have to drive so far to get to Wal-Mart.

A wag of the finger to Social Security numbers - A laptop with personal information about government employees, including their social security numbers, was stolen. In order to prevent future problems with identity theft from occurring, the government needs to stop issuing people Social Security numbers.

A wag of the finger to cars - For causing so many motorcycle accidents. Since Florida governor Jeb Bush repealed the state's mandatory helmet law, deaths from motorcycle accidents have skyrocketed, and as motorcyclist Dave Carroll says, "What causes most of the crashes is cars." In order to stop all these senseless deaths, cars are going to have to be banned.

Cheney and Bush prevent killer cyborgs from entering U.S.

Dick Cheney believes that Republicans will maintain their majority in the House and Senate this November, since there have been no terrorist attacks inside the United States since 9/11, and this is clearly due to the amazing talent of the Bush administration to keep terrorists at bay.

It should also be noted that there have been no alien invasions, robot takeovers, or zombie attacks. Had Democrats been elected in 2000 and 2004, these things could easily have occurred, and the Bush administration is asking people to remember that when they go to the polls in November.

Who are you not going to vote for?

As the 2006 midterm elections draw near, liberals and progressives are once again trying to figure out just which candidates they should vote against. In their attempts to sway voters, the Democrats are throwing money at young people, and the Republicans are planning to nag voters repeatedly until people get fed up and vote for them.

It will certainly be an interesting year as the country watches to see just which party pisses off voters more: the we-can't-decide-on-anything Democrats or the we-brainwash-people-to-agree-with-us Republicans.*

*This election is brought to you by all the corporations of America. Have a nice day, and remember to go shopping.